Break-up

I dug this poem out of the cobwebs recently. Wrote this poem on 27 June, 2006. Here it is, verbatim:

Venting my frustration and feelings for her. Realising I am lucky to be out of it. First try at blank verse

My present is hazy

The past is pain

The world has lost its meaning

My very existence is in doubt

Nothing is as it seems

Since you were gone.

Your caressing words that lit my way

The pearls of laughter that made my day

Those beautiful eyes that said it all

Those beaming lips that played me on.

You stood on the stairs

And gazed at me

You stole a glance from everyone

And glanced at me.

I felt those eyes- and I felt truly blessed!

That smile that assured me you will be there.

But this reality bites and our time is done

I thought this day would never come

But here it arrives

On the crest of fond memories-

Turning bitter as the moment passes

When the truth finally sinks in:

Why?! It’s more relief than dejection

No more timeless conversations

No more lonely talks

Will never lose myself in dreamy thoughts

But why then- I smile as I walk?

The heart has finally set in

Reality has now realized

I’d committed a great blunder

Somehow halting at the edge of the crevice.

There’s more to this world than the innocence of your eyes

More to it than your playful smile

I know I should move on

I know I will

Loving you made life worth it

Now it’s time to do my little bit

Each new day calls out to me:

Rise to the challenge like you always did

You won’t understand

I am finally rid

Why is it a relief

That you left like you did

I have gathered myself

It was quite easy

For the writing is on the wall-

You don’t need me

Renegade

Forbidden Fruit

After four years, poetry has rekindled in my life. It's never that simple though. But whatever happens, I will always be grateful that this phase has inspired me to take up writing again.

They say opposites are over-rated

Desire doesn't last

That I was too whimsical

Dreaming about an iconoclast.

The ring of your voice

The spring in your step;

Lit stubs between your fingers

That I struggled to accept.

Your veil of ease

That confuses most men-

Incredible what a person can accomplish

Fueled by panic and cigarettes!

When you laugh, I lose a part of me-

The part that's dark and twisted.

When you laugh, I can pretend-

Pretend that it never existed

Perhaps I can ignore you

Let these feelings wither with time.

Or perhaps when I see you next

Your hand might just slip into mine.

We deserve a better ending

I know at least you do.

How can I be responsible for your agony?

When I can barely contain my own

So I struggle through cold verses,

Pen a fitting obituary.

To another dismal story-

Another frittered opportunity

Even so, these words flow,

Weaving memories of the past

Yet again this heart bleeds

While logic condones the shards.

Renegade

I'll Write A Happy Poem Tonight

Wrote this last night. Don’t question my motivation and don’t read between the lines! I really did want to write a happy poem. But at the risk of sounding maudlin, I wrote something sincere… and hard to explain. This one really sapped me of all my dregs of fantasy… hopefully the next one, whenever it comes, will be just as earnest, but a tad bid lighter :)

Well here it is: 

I’ll write a happy poem tonight.
Nothing will burden my pen in its flight
There will be no love lost,
No joy at stake.
None of destiny’s cruel games;
No falls from grace.

I might speak of true love’s first kiss-
When every song appeared my heart’s story;
When life made complete sense
And all roads led to her and eternity.

Spare me for now the pitfalls in love,
‘Tis not a poem for it.
Think not of the last kiss
And the longing to relive it

Neither the hollowness of empty promises
Nor emotions left unexpressed
There’s some hurt, a little pain,
Will take a while to explain.

Let me speak instead of the sparkle in her eyes,
Even if it be for the tears I caused to fall

Or let me unravel the spring in her step, 
The gait in her stride
Yet one day she stumbled- 
And I wasn’t beside.

But this instance will portray the beauty in chaos
Not the havoc that ensues;
The resolve of teenage romance,
Not its ebbing as summer wanes.

I’ll embrace the vivacity of life today,
If only these anchors didn’t hold me to the past.
Will recall every single happy moment-
So what if they leave tears in their wake.

There may be tranquility in solitude,
A divinity in pure silence.
There’s also pathos in loneliness
And muted suffering beyond stillness.

So.. many stay out of the fray, or just choose to look away
Lucky are those; but blessed are they:
Those who loved, lost and still survive
With feelings that time couldn’t erase, nor poems revive.

Oh she hums a different song now
A melody far better than mine
Maybe a poem someday about the symphony
That’s his now but could have been mine.

But as long as she’s happy,
I have no desire for grief
In secret though, I loved her
Maybe in solitude… I will weep.


Renegade

Obsessions

Probably the biggest hit of any Bollywood superflop ever is “Satrangi Re” from Dil Se. Strangely enough, this song isn’t about true love, mushy feelings or love at first sight; it’s about obsession- an all consuming desire that leaves nothing in its wake.
Obsessions with trivialities and individuals are inconsequential at best and disastrous at worst. On the other hand, obsession with a higher purpose, a larger-than-life motive or even something seemingly unattainable; is a different ball game. I will be talking about the latter here.
All rationalists advocate a passionate balance in life- between work and play, personal and professional life, chocolates and green vegetables. It’s a lousy advice. Humans have too many failings- we are a breed of excesses- we feel too much, ache too much, want too much and all too soon, we die. 

You can be passionate about babies, a hobby, movies or make-up but obsession that’s a whisker from downright psychosis- that’s either pure genius or pure delirium! Passion is for the soft-hearted, obsession is a pet peeve of the restless souls.
Napoleon was a manic-depressive who, when up, had superhuman energy. He once rode across Europe in a mad dash that killed five horses- not stopping to eat and not even showing any ill effects. His ability to raise his men to Herculean efforts was incomprehensible. His army of 30,000 once defeated the combined 70,000 force of Italy and Austria. He then wrote, “I am a great being and will one day be great”. 
He was crowned emperor in 6 years.

No these legends never led balanced lives- they never aspired to- it was just one fixation after another. In simple words, you get what you want, get bored and go get some more…

I guess that’s why a higher motive (good or bad) is needed to sustain the mania; selfish objectives only lead to burnout- a fast suffered by the vast multitudes who crash and burn, fading inevitably into obscurity.
Higher purposes are not served by the passionate; they are served by the driven; driven by force of will, grandeur or even greed.

Obsessive people never rest on their laurels and if they are proud- they are rightly so. It is at times tough to work with them because of their unnerving commitment and intimidating demeanour. Six of Sigmund Freud’s protégés committed suicide due to the competitive tenacity of the father of psychoanalysis.
No wonder there’s rarely a happy ending for these souls and definitely no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But are they even looking for a rainbow? Their lives were always meant to be different as they refused to settle for mediocrity.

Always wondered what drove people to such manic intensities. Didn’t have to looke further than ESPN!

Anyone who gets a kick from daredevil sports is aware that the thrill comes from the stakes. At the climax, nothing matters but that very instant- seemingly stretching onto eternity. Nothing was, nothing will be: everything IS and is NOW- at this moment.
All possible highs- daredevilry, drugs, meditation- boil down to living you life one moment at a time. What happens can’t happen yesterday or tomorrow- it can only happen NOW. Eternity is lost, records are shattered, heroes are born- everything can only occur in the present moment. The knife edge sharpness of the present moment is addictive; once tasted, it cannot be given up. Anything that can bind you tightly to the present- be it an obsession, love or even an interesting movie- is addictive.
 “NOW” is a precious commodity- it is the only commodity.

It’s all there is.

In search of my next obsession or rather another anchor to hook me to the present,

Renegade

Goodbyes...

Times they are-a-changing....

People change, we move one... but memories linger...

This one was probably penned by me under heavy hormone overload, but hope it strikes a chord...

GOODBYE
Voice that mellowed my hardened soul
Wistful eyes that probed me innocently
Twinkling laughter that gave me hope
Tender hands I longed to hold.

You touched my life like no one before
I began to love life with new fervor
Appreciate sentiments, cherish memories
Caress dreams, rekindle hopes.

But now as I put pen to paper
Hoping to stream out some sensible lyrics about you
Surprisingly, my hands waver...
How do I describe an angel?
How do I bid good bye?
So many things to say, so little time.

How do I pour my heart onto this paper so fast?
This paper is not you- 
Will our timeless conversations simply vanish into the past?
It is a barrage of emotions- all of them so true.

Wish our lovely moments would stretch on till eternity
That your ethereal voice woke me once more,
That complete faith in each other,
Those intimate talks on the phone.

Yet we bid our good byes
and march forth to fulfill our dreams
Hoping our ways cross once more. 
So, for all the vivid memories
I strive for an imperfect poem 
Dedicated to the perfect moments we shared.

Debut

Ok, for my very first blog entry, I decided to take a leaf out of my blog's name- Figure me out.

Very often, we are helpless and can only hope the other person can read between the lines and figure out what's happening. After all, to quote Churchill, we are all riddles wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Until of course, the right person comes along and untangles it all.

Wrote this poem when I was 16. Only one person was meant to figure it out... and she ultimately did!

Figure Me Out

Fooled by my carefree ways,
Casual words, lazy stares?
Yeah, I’m used to having my own way,
I get what I want… hell may care!

Dulcet eyes that never falter,
Those ruthless words… never minced,
That easy smile, says it all,
I’m the one you’re looking for.

So what if I say that everything’s fake,
You know me by name, but do you know me?

Razor-sharp words shield a wounded core,
That smile belies a conflict within.
Toughness that conceals my longing for you,
You think you know me? Well, you don’t.

This world of make-believe saps my strength away,
This veil of pretense is drowning me instead,
This veneer of detachment might slip before long,
Is there any place where I can belong?
Have I not the right to bleed?
Tongues lash out, yet the silence screams.

Please hear what I leave unsaid,
Scrape the surface and I’m no longer there,
Beneath a garb lies a heart that beats,
Does it beat for you?
I’d never reveal,
And, you would never know.

Undercurrents of despair will wash me ashore
Back to reality-
To face it all once more.
Everything will pass
Only memories will lurk;
Of silent hopes and unspoken dreams
Only to be fantasized-
Never to be lived.